I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Two words: blizzard sex
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
