just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
well you can't waste a boner
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
