Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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