the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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