i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize