4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
