his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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