Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
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