you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Houston, we have a squirter
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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