i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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