Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
