i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
