please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I think I won the penis lottery.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
