why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
