I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
