if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
