The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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