i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
