dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
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