He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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