remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize