Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
