This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
