Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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