Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
