Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
