Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
