Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
