I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
