I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Randomize
