when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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