seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
