How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
