Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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