you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
