he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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