I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
