Four minutes until I can fart!
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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