Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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