Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
