Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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