Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Randomize
