someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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