My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
