how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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