not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
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