Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
and i looked up. we had an audience...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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