I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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