If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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