just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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