I'm really into asian looking animals
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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