I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
