I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
