Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
