If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
