I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
