I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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