found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
