I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize