so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Terrible idea I love it
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Randomize
