My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
