i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Randomize
