Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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