Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
