he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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