Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize