We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
please don't ironically join a cult
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