how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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