She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
